Five movies that put hair on your chest

Lets get right to it. There are some movies that every single man needs to watch in order for him to make sound decisions in society. If I had it my way, I would ask every politician what his favorite movies are, and base my vote solely upon it. As brash as it may seem, you'd be surprised what you can tell from a person from their movie taste. For example, if they say the Godfather is the greatest movie of all time, they most likely agree with what the majority of the world says, are incredibly boring, and think snuggies and shamwows are household neccesities. If they pick a horror film, there's a good chance they're goth, listen to the cure, and dress up way too intensely for halloween. If they choose something as god awful as Twilight, then they listen to the Jonas Brothers, and feel uncomfortable when people swear in public. But without further ado here are the five movies every man NEEDS to watch.

5. Requiem for a dream

May induce vomiting

- Yes, this movie is about drugs, and focuses on a conventional heroin story. But there is so much more to it then that. Each character in the story tries to obtain their own version of the "American Dream", and each one of them replaces it with drugs. If everyone in the world watched this movie, heroid addiction would be at an all time low, and so would the amount of complaints people have. If you've ever felt sorry for yourself, or thought your life has reached an all time low, then rent this movie immediately. If you can make it through this movie, and actually appreciate the beautiful story being unraveled in front of your eyes then cograts you've just gotten your first chest hair.

4. Fight Club

You'll never look at soap the same way again

[spoiler alert!]

- Tired of being a pencil pushing cubicle monkey climbing up some corporate ladder for no intrinsic gratification. Then do what this guy did. Blow up your condo, create an imaginary friend, and beat the crap out of yourself. OH!!!, and don't forget to start a internal terrorist organization whose only goal is creating chaos, in order to free the corporate slaved population that is American middle class. Talk about a take charge movie! This movie just makes you want to quit your job, and beat the crap out of the first person you see. If you hate the machine, realize you're a pussy for never getting in a fight, and now despise the way you get excited for Banana Republic sales, then guess what you're one step closer to becoming a man.

3. Layercake

Long legs and cocaine... Sign me up!!!

- The story of a high level, street smart cocaine dealer attempting to leave the dirty business he's in. But there's a catch...obviously. He has to do one more job for his boss before he can go. Turns out this job gets him on the hit list of one of the deadly assassins in the world. Apparently he has a thing for decapitating his victims (I’d piss my pants). The sheer suspense, drama, and beautiful continuity of a story of ones rise to power makes this film an absolute must. If this movie teaches you anything, it’s that being careful isn’t being careful enough, always prepare for the unexpected.

2. Dr. No

Don't let the crew cut and baby blue polo fool you... He kills people

- Old school baby!!! I'm not saying that Bonds’ misogynistic ways will help you pick up most women in today’s society, but it might help you snag a couple of cougars. This was the first of the first, the holy grail of the “Man’s Man” movies. If you were to frame a picture of Sean Connery and put it above your bed, I certainly wouldn’t question your sexuality. Because let’s face it, Sean Connery set the tone for the most suave, badass male movie character in film history. This movie had everything, a breathtaking bond beauty who was introduced to us via hot bathing suit, and an evil villain with metal hands…METAL HANDS!!! You have to respect the old school, if not just a little bit. So getting this movie under your man belt is a must as well.

1. American Beauty

It's never too late to get it back

In all honesty I could've just written this article's title as "The one movie every man needs to watch", because that's exactly what this is. Here we follow Lester Burnham, and his pathetic life. As he so eloquently points out, his high point of the day is masturbating in the shower. But this isn’t the typical mid-life crisis movie, where the protagonist breaks free and some stupid montage cures everything. No, it’s much more complex than that. Lester does what every 45-year-old male wants to do once he finds himself surrounded by the dull suburban lifestyle he so mindlessly wandered into. He blackmails his boss, buys a sweet car, and starts smoking weed. If that’s not beauty, then I don’t know what is. This movie goes deeper than that though. It’s a constant struggle for Lester in his quest not only to obtain self worth, but to obtain the love of his family too. If anything is gained from this movie it’s one quote “I have lost something. I'm not exactly sure what it is but I know I didn't always feel this... sedated. But you know what? It's never too late to get it back”.

Getting older sucks

"Oh my god I can't wait to be older", "When I'm older I'm going to eat all the candy I want", "Older people have all the fun". If you happen to be a normal person, chances are you said some of these ludicrous statements when you were a child. Now that I'm a few months away from turning 21, I'm starting to reconsider this whole being an adult thing. Sure it gets me into R rated movies, allows me to buy alcoholic beverages for some stranger I want to sleep with, and buy porn when that plan fails miserably. But is this really better than what we had when we were kids?

My seven year old nephew recently got in trouble for touching his teachers breast in class. There's a word for that type of person and it's not pervert. My nephew is a genius. If he keeps up this sherade, he'll have succefully gotten to first base 100+ times by sixth grade. The best part is he'll never get into actual trouble. Which is another downfall of getting older, we start to finally get into actual trouble. Punching someone turns into assault, lying turns into slander, taking your neighbors fun toys turns into GTA. How did life change so drastically within a five year span? Why didn't anybody warn us?

Naptime. Just typing out the word makes me jealous of every brat in preschool right now. I regret anytime I refused to take a nap. What the hell was a I thinking? What sort of medication did my parents have me on that made me make such brash decisions? I refused because nobody warned me what life was going to be like a decade later. One of the greatest joys of my day is coming home putting on re-runs of 'Cash Cab' and falling asleep to the sweet sounds of Ben Bailey. Ironically one of the worst parts of my day is waking up to the idiotic sounds of 'Ghost Lab' an hour later.

The proper way to present ourselves changes drastically in a ten year span as well. I used to go to school dressed as whatever the hell I wanted. A power ranger, a fireman, a ninja. I used to get ready for school, look in the mirror and say "you're badass, you're a ninja!!!". Not anymore. My wardrobe has changed from a collection of epic costumes, to a collection of Abercrombie, Polo, and Banana Republic. What would happen to us now if we decided to dress up as a power ranger for Psychology class. We'd be beaten up, or the class would be forced to write a case study about how insane you are.

The older you get, the more privileges you get. Well I'm not sure if I believe that wholeheartedly. Sure we get new privileges, but aren't we just trading in the old privileges for new ones. We trade our game boys for day planners. We trade our big wheels for used cars. We trade "Trick or Treating" for getting drunk with slutty nurses. Ok....I'll admit, that's a pretty good trade. The point is, doesn't everybody want to just go back in time, and be a kid for at least one more day. We could dress up, crap in our pants, and most importantly grab as many breasts as we damn well pleased.

Yes!!! The World Is Going To End In 2012

Even if you're a total recluse, I'm sure you've heard or at least seen those terrible 2012 movie trailers. If you haven't just imagine what Michael Bay's first wet dream was, and throw John Cusack in it. I know, not a pretty sight. This isn't the first time I've heard about the world ending in 2012. I've heard plenty of douchebags talk about it as if it were actually going to happen. But sadly, now I'm one of those douchebags. You might be asking yourself "Feldernator why did you become a douchebag?", I'll tell you why. I was doing what any failure of a person would be doing on a Wednesday night. I was procrastinating doing my retardedly easy communty college homework, and decided that buying a pizza could somehow motivate me. The only problem with ordering pizza, is that you have to look up the number to a pizza place, type numbers in on a phone, and worst of all you have to talk to an actual person...NO THANK YOU. So I attempted to do what every worthless twenty year old with an iPhone would do. I tried to find an application that would allow me to order a pizza with little effort, and not talk to a single person. Ok, now here's the kicker. I found it. There's actually an application out there that services every WOW head, and forty year old virgin. I looked up this application as a joke, a hopeless quest out of laziness and too much weed, and there it was. Now I realize what this application represents, it's the first step. The first step to never having to leave the house, and ending all human contact. It may sound stupid now, but give it three years. Pretty soon the iPhone is going to come out with their most popular application, the iBlowjob. The iBlowjob will be the greatest technogical service EVER. But just like any other sexual service that costs $0.99, it's going to come with some consequences. Those consequences will most likely be some weird computer sexual virus. Just like that, we're all dead, and all those douchebags who thought the end of the world was going to happen will be saying, "I told you so", in that condescending child like voice. But hey, who cares, I'll have my death handed to me via blowjob any day.

Proper Zombie Survival Plan

If you're lucky enough to know me, you'll know that I'm an avid zombie fanatic. Over the years I haven't just been watching zombie movies, I've been studying them, and I've come up with an excellent plan to surviving the zombie apocalypse. By the way I didn't say "foolproof plan" to surviving the zombie apocalypse, because idiots who claim they have foolproof plans don't know what the hell they're talking about. First things first, what is the zombie epidemic going to be like, will the zombies be reanimated dead people, or will they be genetic super beings like resident evil? I persoanally believe that when the zombie takeover does happen, and it will, the zombies will resemble the 28 days later rules, or the new Zombieland movie rules. Meaning they are human beings who are alive, and if you shoot them in the chest with a shotgun they aren't getting up. OK, so if you want to survive here are 3 simple rules.

1. Get a car
-This has got to be the most important rule to surviving. Cars offer you fast getaways, and are able to take you to the few safe havens the new zombie world offers. I wouldn't worry too much about gas efficiency, and a van or SUV would be your best bet, rule #3 will explain.

2. Get some guns, and some food while you're at it.
-Stock up hardcore. Take a trip to Georgia, look at some rednecks personal gun collection, and double it. You do not want to run out of guns and ammunition. Its like stocking up for an epic rampage in GTA IV, you don't want to run out of guns, and be driving around the city like a tool, you want to be shooting as many hookers as possible.

-Pick up food also, I don't feel like I should even say this, it's common knowledge bro.

3. Pick up as many small children as possible
-This may be a controversial theory to surviving, but lets face it, it's a pretty good idea. Small children, are perfect scapegoats whenever you find yourself in a sticky situation. For example: You find yourself surrounded by zombies stuck in a zombie infested road with no way out. You think to yourself "great, I might as well just shoot myself in the face and get this over with", then you remember that you have like eight screaming kids in the backseat. Well pick up the tiniest little kid and chuck it out the sun roof. Within seconds the zombies will move in on the prey, like sharks to a bleeding fish. Now you're back on the road with miles away from the death trap you were once in. If any of those kids give you any lip, threaten them and say the next person to talk gets thrown out next. Just like roadtrips with dad.

-Another plus to picking up small kids is this increases your chance of becoming a hero. Lets say the zombie epidemic gets squashed by the U.S army, which is highly likely, and you only use about 4 out of the 8 children you originally picked up. Dude...you're a hero. You just saved four kids. Get some condoms at Walgreens because you are getting laid tonight. If any of those kids say you chucked their brother or sister out the window, what bleeding heart gunless liberal will be alive to believe that kid? If you are a little worried that the kids are going to rat you out, then just do what Travis did to Old Yeller, George did to Lennie, or what Sandra Bullock does to every movie she's in. Just kill them.

Ok, that's it dude. No worries, you can thank me later.