Proper Zombie Survival Plan

If you're lucky enough to know me, you'll know that I'm an avid zombie fanatic. Over the years I haven't just been watching zombie movies, I've been studying them, and I've come up with an excellent plan to surviving the zombie apocalypse. By the way I didn't say "foolproof plan" to surviving the zombie apocalypse, because idiots who claim they have foolproof plans don't know what the hell they're talking about. First things first, what is the zombie epidemic going to be like, will the zombies be reanimated dead people, or will they be genetic super beings like resident evil? I persoanally believe that when the zombie takeover does happen, and it will, the zombies will resemble the 28 days later rules, or the new Zombieland movie rules. Meaning they are human beings who are alive, and if you shoot them in the chest with a shotgun they aren't getting up. OK, so if you want to survive here are 3 simple rules.

1. Get a car
-This has got to be the most important rule to surviving. Cars offer you fast getaways, and are able to take you to the few safe havens the new zombie world offers. I wouldn't worry too much about gas efficiency, and a van or SUV would be your best bet, rule #3 will explain.

2. Get some guns, and some food while you're at it.
-Stock up hardcore. Take a trip to Georgia, look at some rednecks personal gun collection, and double it. You do not want to run out of guns and ammunition. Its like stocking up for an epic rampage in GTA IV, you don't want to run out of guns, and be driving around the city like a tool, you want to be shooting as many hookers as possible.

-Pick up food also, I don't feel like I should even say this, it's common knowledge bro.

3. Pick up as many small children as possible
-This may be a controversial theory to surviving, but lets face it, it's a pretty good idea. Small children, are perfect scapegoats whenever you find yourself in a sticky situation. For example: You find yourself surrounded by zombies stuck in a zombie infested road with no way out. You think to yourself "great, I might as well just shoot myself in the face and get this over with", then you remember that you have like eight screaming kids in the backseat. Well pick up the tiniest little kid and chuck it out the sun roof. Within seconds the zombies will move in on the prey, like sharks to a bleeding fish. Now you're back on the road with miles away from the death trap you were once in. If any of those kids give you any lip, threaten them and say the next person to talk gets thrown out next. Just like roadtrips with dad.

-Another plus to picking up small kids is this increases your chance of becoming a hero. Lets say the zombie epidemic gets squashed by the U.S army, which is highly likely, and you only use about 4 out of the 8 children you originally picked up. Dude...you're a hero. You just saved four kids. Get some condoms at Walgreens because you are getting laid tonight. If any of those kids say you chucked their brother or sister out the window, what bleeding heart gunless liberal will be alive to believe that kid? If you are a little worried that the kids are going to rat you out, then just do what Travis did to Old Yeller, George did to Lennie, or what Sandra Bullock does to every movie she's in. Just kill them.

Ok, that's it dude. No worries, you can thank me later.