Getting older sucks

"Oh my god I can't wait to be older", "When I'm older I'm going to eat all the candy I want", "Older people have all the fun". If you happen to be a normal person, chances are you said some of these ludicrous statements when you were a child. Now that I'm a few months away from turning 21, I'm starting to reconsider this whole being an adult thing. Sure it gets me into R rated movies, allows me to buy alcoholic beverages for some stranger I want to sleep with, and buy porn when that plan fails miserably. But is this really better than what we had when we were kids?

My seven year old nephew recently got in trouble for touching his teachers breast in class. There's a word for that type of person and it's not pervert. My nephew is a genius. If he keeps up this sherade, he'll have succefully gotten to first base 100+ times by sixth grade. The best part is he'll never get into actual trouble. Which is another downfall of getting older, we start to finally get into actual trouble. Punching someone turns into assault, lying turns into slander, taking your neighbors fun toys turns into GTA. How did life change so drastically within a five year span? Why didn't anybody warn us?

Naptime. Just typing out the word makes me jealous of every brat in preschool right now. I regret anytime I refused to take a nap. What the hell was a I thinking? What sort of medication did my parents have me on that made me make such brash decisions? I refused because nobody warned me what life was going to be like a decade later. One of the greatest joys of my day is coming home putting on re-runs of 'Cash Cab' and falling asleep to the sweet sounds of Ben Bailey. Ironically one of the worst parts of my day is waking up to the idiotic sounds of 'Ghost Lab' an hour later.

The proper way to present ourselves changes drastically in a ten year span as well. I used to go to school dressed as whatever the hell I wanted. A power ranger, a fireman, a ninja. I used to get ready for school, look in the mirror and say "you're badass, you're a ninja!!!". Not anymore. My wardrobe has changed from a collection of epic costumes, to a collection of Abercrombie, Polo, and Banana Republic. What would happen to us now if we decided to dress up as a power ranger for Psychology class. We'd be beaten up, or the class would be forced to write a case study about how insane you are.

The older you get, the more privileges you get. Well I'm not sure if I believe that wholeheartedly. Sure we get new privileges, but aren't we just trading in the old privileges for new ones. We trade our game boys for day planners. We trade our big wheels for used cars. We trade "Trick or Treating" for getting drunk with slutty nurses. Ok....I'll admit, that's a pretty good trade. The point is, doesn't everybody want to just go back in time, and be a kid for at least one more day. We could dress up, crap in our pants, and most importantly grab as many breasts as we damn well pleased.

Yes!!! The World Is Going To End In 2012

Even if you're a total recluse, I'm sure you've heard or at least seen those terrible 2012 movie trailers. If you haven't just imagine what Michael Bay's first wet dream was, and throw John Cusack in it. I know, not a pretty sight. This isn't the first time I've heard about the world ending in 2012. I've heard plenty of douchebags talk about it as if it were actually going to happen. But sadly, now I'm one of those douchebags. You might be asking yourself "Feldernator why did you become a douchebag?", I'll tell you why. I was doing what any failure of a person would be doing on a Wednesday night. I was procrastinating doing my retardedly easy communty college homework, and decided that buying a pizza could somehow motivate me. The only problem with ordering pizza, is that you have to look up the number to a pizza place, type numbers in on a phone, and worst of all you have to talk to an actual person...NO THANK YOU. So I attempted to do what every worthless twenty year old with an iPhone would do. I tried to find an application that would allow me to order a pizza with little effort, and not talk to a single person. Ok, now here's the kicker. I found it. There's actually an application out there that services every WOW head, and forty year old virgin. I looked up this application as a joke, a hopeless quest out of laziness and too much weed, and there it was. Now I realize what this application represents, it's the first step. The first step to never having to leave the house, and ending all human contact. It may sound stupid now, but give it three years. Pretty soon the iPhone is going to come out with their most popular application, the iBlowjob. The iBlowjob will be the greatest technogical service EVER. But just like any other sexual service that costs $0.99, it's going to come with some consequences. Those consequences will most likely be some weird computer sexual virus. Just like that, we're all dead, and all those douchebags who thought the end of the world was going to happen will be saying, "I told you so", in that condescending child like voice. But hey, who cares, I'll have my death handed to me via blowjob any day.

Proper Zombie Survival Plan

If you're lucky enough to know me, you'll know that I'm an avid zombie fanatic. Over the years I haven't just been watching zombie movies, I've been studying them, and I've come up with an excellent plan to surviving the zombie apocalypse. By the way I didn't say "foolproof plan" to surviving the zombie apocalypse, because idiots who claim they have foolproof plans don't know what the hell they're talking about. First things first, what is the zombie epidemic going to be like, will the zombies be reanimated dead people, or will they be genetic super beings like resident evil? I persoanally believe that when the zombie takeover does happen, and it will, the zombies will resemble the 28 days later rules, or the new Zombieland movie rules. Meaning they are human beings who are alive, and if you shoot them in the chest with a shotgun they aren't getting up. OK, so if you want to survive here are 3 simple rules.

1. Get a car
-This has got to be the most important rule to surviving. Cars offer you fast getaways, and are able to take you to the few safe havens the new zombie world offers. I wouldn't worry too much about gas efficiency, and a van or SUV would be your best bet, rule #3 will explain.

2. Get some guns, and some food while you're at it.
-Stock up hardcore. Take a trip to Georgia, look at some rednecks personal gun collection, and double it. You do not want to run out of guns and ammunition. Its like stocking up for an epic rampage in GTA IV, you don't want to run out of guns, and be driving around the city like a tool, you want to be shooting as many hookers as possible.

-Pick up food also, I don't feel like I should even say this, it's common knowledge bro.

3. Pick up as many small children as possible
-This may be a controversial theory to surviving, but lets face it, it's a pretty good idea. Small children, are perfect scapegoats whenever you find yourself in a sticky situation. For example: You find yourself surrounded by zombies stuck in a zombie infested road with no way out. You think to yourself "great, I might as well just shoot myself in the face and get this over with", then you remember that you have like eight screaming kids in the backseat. Well pick up the tiniest little kid and chuck it out the sun roof. Within seconds the zombies will move in on the prey, like sharks to a bleeding fish. Now you're back on the road with miles away from the death trap you were once in. If any of those kids give you any lip, threaten them and say the next person to talk gets thrown out next. Just like roadtrips with dad.

-Another plus to picking up small kids is this increases your chance of becoming a hero. Lets say the zombie epidemic gets squashed by the U.S army, which is highly likely, and you only use about 4 out of the 8 children you originally picked up. Dude...you're a hero. You just saved four kids. Get some condoms at Walgreens because you are getting laid tonight. If any of those kids say you chucked their brother or sister out the window, what bleeding heart gunless liberal will be alive to believe that kid? If you are a little worried that the kids are going to rat you out, then just do what Travis did to Old Yeller, George did to Lennie, or what Sandra Bullock does to every movie she's in. Just kill them.

Ok, that's it dude. No worries, you can thank me later.